WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
