You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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