yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
