The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
