quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
