i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
