so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
