I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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