Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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