my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
