My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
