My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize