u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
