The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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