Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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