The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
