well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
