I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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