I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
