im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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