come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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