remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
