I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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