Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
