The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
