32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
