Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Man, jail baloney is awful.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
