In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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