i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"