how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.