Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
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I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
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Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?