Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
