Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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