Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
