Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
