Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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