He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
