I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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