These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
