On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I accidentally burped into my bong.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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