i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
