For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
