Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
