It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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