so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize