I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The struggles of a small town man whore
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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