Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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