First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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