U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
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