I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
