yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
