apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Randomize
