PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
