Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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