We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
