i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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