Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
