oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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