You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
