i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
