I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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