At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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