you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
