I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
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