she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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