Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
